In the midst of all this American Apparel hooplah my online purchases arrived in the office. Yes, I bought the $12 terry cloth tube dress. It was on sale. I typically proceed with caution when I see “terry cloth” and “tube” used to describe clothing, but it turned out towel-rific! This time I posed by the printer and recycled paper, in honor of Administrative Professionals Day.

I dig this dress. It makes me feel like Julie on “The Love Boat.” I would definitely wear this dress to a “Bachelor” rose ceremony.

As most of you know, I head up Human Resources for a small summer camp provider. My boss tosses dead goldfish out our 9th story window and leaves passive aggressive notes on my keyboard. This morning, he enthusiastically explained how a warm-water enema can reveal intestinal worms. I love it here.

But, because you aren’t a true New Yorker unless you hold multiple jobs, I supplement my low start-up salary by working nights at Gutenberg! The Musical! In my brief time at Concessions, I’ve shown Dustin Hoffman the bathroom and sold Steve Guttenberg bottled water. I’m glad I went to Grad School.

The winner of my Rue Will She Wash Her McClanahans? contest, John McGrew, was promised his picture on Trybecca.

I wanted John to choose a picture where he’s wearing American Apparel, but whatever. John is my old college friend and future roommate. I do not practice nepotism on Trybecca. It just so happens he was the only entrant to foresee Rue McClanahan’s fickleness. That is why he will never get tricked into being her sixth husband.

John’s a musician. He has a gig tonight at 8PM at Crash Mansion. Because it’s Administrative Professionals Day, and your boss will let you leave early, and the show is free, you should treat yourself to dinner on the Corporate card and come.

He’s so talented he can climb a tree with a trumpet! And look at the glare off that brass. I just know he’s going to do our dishes.

Download songs here.

Yesterday I went shopping at American Apparel. I’m a small girl but still I found that most of their clothes gave me ass shelf. Spandex is comfortable but maybe shouldn’t be a wardrobe staple. I bought a slate sheer ribbed shirred cap sleeve shirt (try saying that five times fast!) but couldn’t make up my mind about the yellow one (or canary or butter or whatever it’s called) so later that night at the theater, I went online with Garth to get a second opinion.

I was kind of horrified. Their models look really unpleasant. Like this young woman, whose fists are clenched in defiance of too little fabric. She’s thinking hard about something. She’s remembering those magic capsules from childhood– the ones you’d drop in water and watch magically expand–and hoping this shirt works the same way. Only it’s impossible to concentrate when your photographer is holding up a pantless plush Donald Duck to get you to pose.

“Yeah baby, yeah, that’s it. Show me angry.”

She was also made to wear a poor man’s version of the Hanes tee. Not a good fit, right?

At this point in the shoot, the photographer put down the Donald Duck toy and held up a picture of Kirsten Dunst.

“Ooh, yeah, give me bad posture, that’s it.”

I 100% support realistic representation of the female body. I drink too much beer and my thighs touch. Sometimes I jiggle my belly fat and make it talk in a cartoon voice. I love curves. However, I would think twice before ever leaving the house in this, unless I wanted to guarantee a seat on the train:

I can keep going.

This woman looks a little like a pissed-off Kristin Scott Thomas.

I would much rather wear what Kristin Scott Thomas wore in “The English Patient.” Even after a night stuck in an African sandstorm she managed to stay less wrinkled. Even in desert heat hiking to the Cave of Swimmers we never saw Katherine sporting a see-through jersey V-neck. There is such a thing as a too breathable top. Or dress. What is this?

If I see a shirt and it looks unflattering on a model, I probably won’t buy it. I’m not going to think “Hey, she’s gorgeous and doesn’t seem to care about the cut so I should purchase it too and not a wear a bra and try not to smile.” At least the models in Gap ads dance around. I’d much rather be at their wrap party.

But…I still like my new American Apparel slate sheer ribbed shirred cap sleeve shirt. Garth photographed me in it. I stretched it out for full effect.

I just ordered it in yellow!