Josh taught me how to check my blog stats through WordPress. I discovered that most of my readership, aside from subscriptions, comes from the Google search term “nude in public.” I sort of feel the way I always imagined I would if I had a novel and that novel were available in WalGreens. On the one hand, you’re popular enough to be sold in a drugstore. On the other hand, you’re being sold in a drugstore.

Over Memorial Day Weekend I wrote a post that featured one of my friends, shirtless at a BBQ and drunk in a rose bush, wearing leaves as pasties. I used the words “nude in public.” I feel kinda sorry for internet voyeurs who arrive at Trybecca by accident. I want to give them something to make it worth their click, some immediate gratification, and yet I don’t want my blog to get too dirty. I have to draw the line somewhere. I certainly can’t cater to the 1 person a day who winds up here by typing in “nude fucking.” (Is it the same amnesic fool every day? And isn’t “nude” the default for fucking?)

But here’s a little something for all of you one-handed typists out there…

“ball licking”

“eating out at the pink taco”

“strap it on the ass”
(as in: “Honey, do we have room in the car for this suitcase?”
“No. Just strap it on the ass.”)

“fistik”
(It’s Turkish slang for a woman with a firm butt but literally means pistachio nut. For my horny hookah traffic.)

“one-eyed snake trying to get off”
(Its one eye looks terrified. I don’t think it wants to stay on.)

“petite woman in red tossing salad”

“the hurrier I go, the behinder I get”
(I found this in our office. I think it’s nasty Puritan talk. I’m pretty sure Abigail says it to John Proctor in The Crucible.)

Now that all you voyeuristic ball-licking salad-tossing ass-strapping Turks are gathered ’round the blog table, take a second to subscribe to Trybecca. Then, take ten minutes out of your lunch break (maybe the ten minutes you normally spend Googling “Nude in Public”?) and write a poem, and send that poem to LunchPoemProject@gmail.com.