Yesterday morning, on my way to work, I slipped on some frozen vomit outside of Kellogg’s diner. Then when I got to work, instead of checking my email, I crouched by the space heater, said “Fuck” a lot, and watched Ashley unthaw her bangs.
FUCKITY FUCK FUCK it’s cold in New York City. There are two things I know I can never be: one of them is an investment banker, and the other is a sherpa. When the temperature really drops I find myself making bitch lists. I write them on the train, in shaky print, in the backs of books or on receipts, usually wearing gloves.
Pull up a burn barrel and bitch with me!
-waiting for the L train
-waiting for the L train with my back to the sign that reads “No L Train Service”
-waiting for the L train, seeing it, getting excited, realizing it’s just the trash train
-the hot couple on Lost who appeared out of nowhere this season and went with Hurley to the Pearl Station to find a computer to locate Jack–where did they come from?
-reaching into my purse for gum, pulling out a packet of empty foil holes
-comedians on the street who flyer and get in your face and say “Hey! Free comedy show tonight!”
-ordering a small latte at Starbucks and hearing the barista shout tall latte to humiliate me because everyone knows Starbucks has no small
-Anne Geddes. What she does to children is wrong.
-the contruction worker on Flatbush Avenue who cat-calls me on my bike by saying “Hey pink lady, where’s your metro card?”
-slipping on frozen vomit
-MySpace friend requests from bands
-Sting crossing over to adult contemporary, and his subsequent lute project, “Songs from the Labyrinth.”
-not having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day
-having to say dumb things like McFlurry if I want a McFlurry or Teens and Tweens when I’m booking print ads
-Le Petite Puppy on Christopher Street, where puppies cost $1000
-accidentily writing “I’m busty” in an IM instead of “I’m busy”
-no more ballads at karaoke after 10PM
-being told that “Alone” is a ballad–no way, not with that chorus
-my boss referring to sales calls as Style 1, 2, and 3
-my ex-boyfriends getting married (Joe, Dan, David D)
-paper jam in Tray 1
-sorority girl charm bracelets that jingle when they push their hair back behind their ears
-not having money but working two jobs
-not having money but still drinking
-my parents calling me (I am 29) at job #1 because they received a notice that I never paid my NYC Parks and Recreations Bike Ticket
-not having enough money to pay a bike ticket
-getting a bike ticket when I could have easily biked away
-Jewel’s book of poetry
-mistyping “Gmail” and ending up at “Gamil” where Gamil is not Gmail but we’re glad you’re here!
-men who like me when I like someone else
-being too old to audition for American Idol
-being too old to date Harry Potter, who is currently in the West End starring as a stable boy with an erotic fixation for horses:
-EVOL as an abbreviation for Extra Virgin Olive Oil
-Rachel Ray. She is the most annoying person ever. More annoying than Jewel even.