6 Degrees and Fakin’ Bacon

Yesterday morning, on my way to work, I slipped on some frozen vomit outside of Kellogg’s diner. Then when I got to work, instead of checking my email, I crouched by the space heater, said “Fuck” a lot, and watched Ashley unthaw her bangs.

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK it’s cold in New York City. There are two things I know I can never be: one of them is an investment banker, and the other is a sherpa. When the temperature really drops I find myself making bitch lists. I write them on the train, in shaky print, in the backs of books or on receipts, usually wearing gloves.

Pull up a burn barrel and bitch with me!

I HATE….

-waiting for the L train

-waiting for the L train with my back to the sign that reads “No L Train Service”

-waiting for the L train, seeing it, getting excited, realizing it’s just the trash train

-the hot couple on Lost who appeared out of nowhere this season and went with Hurley to the Pearl Station to find a computer to locate Jack–where did they come from?

lost.jpg

-reaching into my purse for gum, pulling out a packet of empty foil holes

-comedians on the street who flyer and get in your face and say “Hey! Free comedy show tonight!”

-nail clipping

-snoring

-ordering a small latte at Starbucks and hearing the barista shout tall latte to humiliate me because everyone knows Starbucks has no small

-fakin’ bacon

-Anne Geddes. What she does to children is wrong.

anne.jpg

-the contruction worker on Flatbush Avenue who cat-calls me on my bike by saying “Hey pink lady, where’s your metro card?”

-slipping on frozen vomit

-MySpace friend requests from bands

-Sting crossing over to adult contemporary, and his subsequent lute project, “Songs from the Labyrinth.”

[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P01n4trbkOA]

-not having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day

-having to say dumb things like McFlurry if I want a McFlurry or Teens and Tweens when I’m booking print ads

-Le Petite Puppy on Christopher Street, where puppies cost $1000

-accidentily writing “I’m busty” in an IM instead of “I’m busy

-no more ballads at karaoke after 10PM

-being told that “Alone” is a ballad–no way, not with that chorus

[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxfdDrKO8uM]

-my boss referring to sales calls as Style 1, 2, and 3

-my ex-boyfriends getting married (Joe, Dan, David D)

-paper jam in Tray 1

-sorority girl charm bracelets that jingle when they push their hair back behind their ears

bracelet.jpg

-not having money but working two jobs

-not having money but still drinking

-my parents calling me (I am 29) at job #1 because they received a notice that I never paid my NYC Parks and Recreations Bike Ticket

-not having enough money to pay a bike ticket

-getting a bike ticket when I could have easily biked away

-Jewel’s book of poetry

-mistyping “Gmail” and ending up at “Gamil” where Gamil is not Gmail but we’re glad you’re here!

-men who like me when I like someone else

-pilly sweaters

-George Bush

-being too old to audition for American Idol

-being too old to date Harry Potter, who is currently in the West End starring as a stable boy with an erotic fixation for horses:

potter.jpg

-EVOL as an abbreviation for Extra Virgin Olive Oil

-Rachel Ray. She is the most annoying person ever. More annoying than Jewel even.
[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1frxGTHR5W4]

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11 responses to “6 Degrees and Fakin’ Bacon

  1. No matter what your age you can always be my american idol.

  2. HYSTERICAL. Particularly the slipping on frozen vomit part. I laughed so hard I choked. at my desk. it was embarrassing.

  3. i think i already hated rachel ray enough for the both of us, but i guess there’s always room for more!!! i said this the other day to my mom and sister, and they both laughed cause they knew it was so true, but she sounds like a really washed-up middle american housewife who doesn’t have much of a voice left because she talks so loud to her husband about subjects he can’t stand… but he tolerates it because he knows he can’t get her to stop talking… at this point, he’s just waiting for a heart attack, just so that he doesn’t have to hear about ‘fajita pitas! YUMM-MO!!!’ if ever a voicebox needed to give out, it begins and ends with rachel ray. these are some quotes i found about her online, from other fellow haters (some of these are classic:)

    ‘Rachel Ray is a bass mouthed hack and literally carries the Food Network in her saddle bags.’

    ‘Shit – I was talking about this TV Ho today – and I’m not being unduly cruel. But I am soooo sick of her. Do we honestly need more RR on TV? I don’t need her to share anything more with me – ENOUGH! GO away Rachel Ray! Goddamn’

    ‘I’ve never heard of this lady, but that picture gave me seizures and made me loose control of my bowels so now I’m suing whoever she is. (reference FHM spread for seizure-inducing nastiness)’

    ‘another key phrase..
    “E. V. O. O….extra virgin olive oil”
    she walks like a crab on her show so that the camera won’t pan on her fat ass’

    ‘Rachel Ray is literally the most annoying person on television. I usually like Oprah’s choices, but what the HELL was she thinking this time?!?! ‘

    ‘Not the woman who eats her own face when she talks!! NOOOOO!!!!!’

    ‘girl has an ass like a mac truck. EXACTLY what I was thinking. Come on girl, get a personal trainer already. You certainly can afford it!!’

    ‘I hate this bitch but I sometimes catch myself watching her on FN because I’m fascinated by her body. The flat chest, the flat yet bloated stomach, the oddly short torso, but then she has the ass of a 300lb. woman. God must have been binge drinking the day he put her together.

    She’s not doing herself any favors with that 1987 wardrobe either. Anyone who wears skin tight tapered leg jeans should be boiled in EVOO.

    I keep thinking one of these days as I’m staring at her elongated midget body while she makes her “wicked good” homemade TV dinners that she’ll feel my disgust towards her, put her head over her garbage bowl and slit her own throat.’

    ‘Everytime I see Rachel I think that her body is soooo weird. When she’s cooking I see how small her boobs are and how big her ass is. It’s like they pasted different parts of girls on her body and made a Rachel Potatohead. If she got a boob job I think things would even her out.’

    ‘I like 30-minute meals and have gotten some good food ideas from her, but her voice is like finger nails on a chalk board. Her body is odd too, flat chest, wide hips & big bum. Skirts or dresses would be vastly more flattering but she insists on wearing dark denim.’

    ‘E-V-O-Ho! That’s what she is. Have you ever seen the tips she leaves on $40 a day? Seriously.. like 7%! No wonder she only spends $40 (and does it mostly by ordering the fried “apps” (another RRism)as opposed to a real entree… sheesh’

    hehehe… lots of haters out there i guess!!!

  4. The whole Sting/Dowland Lute Song thing is a mixed blessing. It’s great he’s interested, but the fact that he sings so out of tune doesn’t really help get people into that repertoire.

  5. um, i had “alone” stuck in my head all day yesterday…and it was so awesome.

  6. I think you forgot Styles 4-10… I don’t remember what they were.. but I think you forgot them 😉

  7. no sure we can be cousins any longer. first, i was a srat girl and have a charm on my charm bracelet to prove it, or just to jingle. and second, i love me some rachel ray. while she can be overwhelming to watch at times, i love her recipes. so there. love me still?

    and jewel sucks. full stop.

  8. I think it’s unfair to place all the middle-aged lame-i-fication burden solely on the shoulders of Sting when clearly Rod Stewart and Elvis Costello deserve similar credit. Otherwise, a flawless list, particularly the bike ticket sequence.

  9. so isn’t harry potter too young to be in that type of pose?

  10. Pingback: A Favorite Entry; Or, I'm Busy Packing For My Cruise « TryBecca

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