Cheese

RIP Anna Nicole Smith. At least I found out before this year’s Oscars montage. I know I should be writing about who’s going to raise her baby or take over Trimspa, but I was well into this entry before she collapsed. And I want to blog about cheese, not death.

Cheese #1: Justin Timberlake

Yes, I went, and yes, it was amazing. I have a lump on the right side of my head because I was dancing to SexyBack and took it to the bridge too hard and ran into Megan. With my head.

We missed Pink because we were drinking at Sbarro but who cares, I didn’t pay $90 to hear “Just Like a Pill” live. I don’t trust pop stars with one name anyway, Jewel. I’m sorry, but I love Justin Timberlake. He has more talent in his left pinky than the entire population of Tennessee. Oh, and Andy Sandburg joined him on stage for the encore and they sang “Dick in a Box.”

This article does a much better job at justifying things. Or this video of Justin performing “What Goes Around” at The Grammys. Did you know he plays piano?

Cheese #2: Tracy Nelson

I went to Pieces Tuesday night with Woody and Jeffery for a special karaoke hosted by Miss Vodka Stinger. I had just finished singing “Since U Been Gone” when a middle aged gay man waved me down and insisted, in a very earnest voice, that I looked like Tracy Nelson. Tracy who? He assured me she was pretty. He mostly did this by citing her role as Jennifer on “Square Pegs.” Then he traced her nose in the air, and yeah, it kinda looked like mine. I drank some more mimosas and sang “Defying Gravity” and went home and googled Tracy Nelson:

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She’s the Peg in the blue dress leaning up against the pole. It’s cheesy but exciting to be told you resemble a celebrity, even if said celebrity was also the nun on “Father Dowling Mysteries.” “Father Dowling Mysteries” was the show starring the Glad Trash Bag man. I can remember wanting Tracy and Father Dowling to hook-up because otherwise it was bor-or-ing.

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Whenever I upload my photo onto Myheritage.com, I’m told I look like Asian supermodels or Kelly Osborne or Ayn Rand. Those are blatantly not true. But Tracy Nelson…that’s B-list enough to be almost believable.

Today at work I tried to pose like Tracy. Her character on “Square Pegs” was a rich, spoiled brat:

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Cheese #3: Taleo

Taleo is the name of our recruiting software. This afternoon, I got an email urging me to “Answer the call for papers!” and submit a proposal for the Annual Taleo Conference, or Taleo World. It doesn’t get cheesier than a software conference that sounds like a theme park. I don’t know anything about Taleo except how to log in and print. I don’t even know how to pronounce it. But I want to sumbit a proposal and win the free trip to San Francisco, a trip worth $1494. I also like how a couple of days at Taleo World is exactly $6 shy of $1500– that makes me want to enter even more. Plus, I only have to write one paragraph. I’m pretty confident Taleo will pick me. I’m trying not to think about the part where I stand in front of a roomful of human resources people and give an hour long talk on Taleo. The conference website is NOT helpful. Previous presentation topics have included Taleo 7.5. Taleo 8, and onboarding (with a focus on succession planning). Onboarding sounds like an extreme sport, and wait, do we even use Taleo 8 anymore? Whatever. My paper proposal already has the best title: I’ve a Taleo to Tell: Recruitment Solutions for Small Business Models. I might also throw in the word turnkey. Haven’t decided yet.

Cheese #4: Cheese

Michael attended a cheese class at Murray’s Cheese shop last night. Murray cleared up a lot of cheese confusion. He answered tough questions, the most pressing (to me) being whether or not it’s OK to eat the rind (it is). Michael brought his leftover Humboldt Fog into the office and we had a tasting. I almost wrote “taste test” but we didn’t compare it to anything.

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Humboldt Fog is a goat cheese with an edible layer of ash. I wasn’t really listening when Michael explained the ash part, but I can tell you that Murray credits the heavy fog rolling off of Humboldt Bay with the unique flavor and consistancy of the goats’ milk. This sounds New Age-y to me. Then again, Humboldt Fog is made in California. Hey, maybe I can pick some more up on my way to Taleo World!

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As you can see, HF is creamy with a runny shell. I think runny is a disgusting way to describe anything, let alone a cheese, but if i want to sound knowledgeable I have to use the lingo.

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Here is Michael about to eat a Carr’s Cracker spread with Humboldt Fog. There’s rind on there, too, because now he’s learned it’s OK.

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An action shot of Ashley. I look like I stayed out too late at a Justin Timberlake concert. Say “cheese!”

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5 responses to “Cheese

  1. reason #83 you are a good writer: you managed to write a funny piece about cheese and not once did you stoop so low as to mention any “cutting the cheese” jokes. thank you.

  2. I love how ONLY a middle aged gay man would know who the hell Tracy Nelson is. I bet Tekay knows. Yes, I realize Tekay is NOT middle aged (don’t kill me Tekay!), I only say this because Tekay knows who EVERYONE is on the entire planet who has ever been involved with any sort of entertainment ever in their life. Thank you.

  3. that action shot of your friend ashley looks like leslie unger. in fact, i saw it and thought, ‘what is becca doing hanging out with leslie unger in brooklyn?’… i love justin timberlake. i love cheese. i miss becca…. 🙂

  4. oh did i forget to mention that I LOVE BECCA!!!!!

  5. Mr. Timberlake ought to read up on hubris. I suggest Euripides’ The Bacchae, which sounds vaguely like “back.”

    I remember, in fact, watching Square Pegs each week with my mother, who did everything in her power to turn me into a middle-aged gay man. In this she succeeded to the extent that, while straight, I often “don’t know how to act.”

    Apparently, it involves frotteurism in nightclubs.

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