Throw a Blog a Bone

Low-level hypocrisy is my favorite hypocrisy. If I’m in a car I hate pedestrians. If I’m a pedestrian I hate drivers. If I’m a non-paying listener of publicly supported radio I complain during pledge season. If a waitress forgets my hollandaise-on-the-side-and-oh-can-I-please-have-organic-challah? I bitch under my passive aggressive breath because hey, I’ve blocked out years spent shouting at line cooks for ramekins. No wonder I’ve decided to blog. I don’t read blogs. I don’t subscribe to blogs. If I was in a bar, and a girl handed me this:

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I’d use it to give my number to somebody else.

I know a guy who printed up cards that say Poet and people make fun of him in iambic pentameter. (Hello I’d like a poem do you take cash?) I suspect I’m setting myself up for entrepreneurial ridicule. The way I did in 6th grade after winning a year’s supply of Purina Puppy Chow and scooping it into brown bags and reselling it door to door as my own Adult Formula.

I just ordered business cards for my blog. I chose the graphic of the administrative assistant whispering unprofessionalisms into her boss’s ear after hours. Yes, I’ve given my blog cards a backstory.

I don’t understand how the internet works and I fear my implicit trust in it. Maybe that’s because I remember a time when there was no internet, like highschool, when teachers assigned papers on such diverse topics as natural selection and Imelda Marcos. Back then, you couldn’t just Wikipedia Imelda Marcos. You had to go to the public library to use the dreaded microfiche machines. The microfiche machines were kept in the low-lit basement and broke easily, and there was always a serial killer perched at the machine next to yours whose heavy breathing you could barely hear over his woosh woosh of film as it spun to another article on strangled nurses.

Several of you have asked me why I am suddenly doing this, this being blogging. I don’t know. I did read Julie and Julie last fall. Julie Powell was a discontented New York City “government drone” about to turn thirty who decided to cook every one of Julia Child’s recipes from Mastering The Art of French Cooking in 365 days. She chronicled her adventures online, established a loyal readership, got discovered, and landed a book contract.

Julie Powell had a hook: it was expensive, messy, and time-consuming. Me, I want to bum a ride off of Fame. I want Easy Street but I don’t want to walk there in dirty snow. That’s why I have a hook like Concessions, which only involves bringing a stopwatch to work and timing celebrities on the toilet and keeping an acurate record of who washed their hands and who didn’t based on the wet/dry money exchange when they purchase candy from me. See: lazy! I will never reduce heavy creme or debone a chicken for Fame.

I turn thirty in a little over three months. My skin isn’t wrinkled and I’m thinner than I’ve ever been, but I’m not sure these serve as benchmarks for success. I’m stuck in a rut. I’m held up. I’m a lot like Anna Nicole’s body except no one’s fighting over me. I have a disgusting amount of debt from poetry graduate school and now, by big plan to pay it off, besides working two jobs and submitting an occasional villanelle to an academic journal, is, wait for it, to blog.

So far, I am $20 in the hole from ordering blog cards.

This post is a petition to my current readership to recruit on my behalf. If you like what you see, forward Trybecca to five other people. Please? If you don’t forward Trybecca you won’t have bad luck for the next year and if you do forward Trybecca you probably won’t find love or inherit money, but, you help ensure the survival of the following:

*Concessions, in which I report on the bowels of stars like Dustin Hoffman

*Dregs List, in which I respond to bottom of the barrel Craigslist postings like this and, in the vein of Anderson Cooper, provide you with cutting edge investigative journalism.

*Thirty Things to Do Before You’re Thirty, or, Talk Thirty to Me!, in which I freak the fuck out, make lists, and do things like audition for the Broadway Production of Les Miserables using a headshot taken from a camera phone:

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In addition, I promise you detailed 2007 President’s Day and Oscar coverage (I’ll be dressed as a Dream Girl), the big reveal of whose coat I used to smell at parties, and thrilling monthly updates on the length of my growing hair.

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Why, look how far I’m come since January 2005.

I also promise updates on Britney’s hair. We could be sisters!

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This three-day weekend, if you stop by Trybecca, leave me a comment. Let me know this is working out, and if it isn’t, that it’s you and not me. Link me. Request a post. Ask my advice. Ask me out. Subscribe your parents. Who happen to run Random House.

Thank you,

Rebecca

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9 responses to “Throw a Blog a Bone

  1. I love the cards. Dun Week is going out with a bang: Britney’s bald.

  2. I really can’t say it enough, i think you are brilliantly funny. In fact Brandon and I were just talking about how funny we find your Blog. And he brought it up, not me, you #1 fan. So be happy, people are talking about it…unsolicited. I hope you don’t mind my taking the postion of number one fan. Alright I must go take a shower so I can be fresh and clean for the Gutenberg patrons. See you tonight.

  3. so i think you should take up that guy on the foot fetish thing… i mean i am likely coming in april, and i know you’re not dying to clean up your place for me – and you would get some pleasure out of the manner – plus a clean tub. ok, enough said. i love your blog becca (of course), but i hate your service. i posted 2, count them 2 POSTINGS on your last blog session, and it didn’t post either…. i’m hoping this one goes through. anyhow – i miss you. i love your blog. keep posting. i will try to keep tellig the world…. xoxoxoxoxo pricipessa!!!!!!! love, cam

  4. p.s. got asked out by 2 men tonight – hot stuff, right? regardless, i still miss pete. anyhow – one of my postings was hot – it was ALL ABOUT how tom collichio is SO MUCH hotter than billy cruddup. as if that had to be spelled out… but none the less…

  5. As I told you at Gutenberg the other day, this is pretty much the best thing I have read in awhile. I can’t wait to read more, and I really want to know about the coat guy….!

  6. good sir parmesan, the gauntlet has been thrown down. your chants of ‘i’m the #1 trybecca fan’ last night did not fall on deaf ears. no, rather they awoke an inner beast. a super-funny-blog fan-ish beast. this beast will out fan you, good sir. I AM TRYBECCA’S #1 FAN.

    becca, you rock.

  7. will you go out with me?

  8. you are just f-in funny. Talk Thirty to me!! LOL.
    You have arrived- comedic writing is what you were meant to do. And I don’t want to hear any more of this giving up after 3 months or whatever- think of Oprah. did she give up after 3 months of broadcasting? you have to keep doing this, even if it doesn’t turn into a book deal right away. 🙂

  9. i like what you do here. but, i could be biased since we share DNA. as for blog cards, i have them too, but i never give them out. be persistent. you have the talent to make it big cuz.

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