Dear Rebecca,

I am so sorry I couldn’t make it to the show yesterday afternoon. Betty White phoned me up last minute. She said she found a litter of sick Golden Retriever puppies in a box out back of the The Bold and The Beautiful studio and that she needed my help to administer heartworm medication since it was sleeting and everyone else was at the Oscars and the puppies wouldn’t hold still. Betty appealed to my higher animal rights instincts. She remembered that I had once written a letter to John Kerry informing him that he did not get my vote because he hunts pheasants. Well, my driver took me immediately to meet Betty, who was very much inside the studio sipping on hot cocoa. There were no puppies. It was another duplicitous attempt to get me to talk with producers about a Mama’s Family reunion. She’s a wiley one, that Betty White.

I still hope you buy my forthcoming autobiography, My First Five Husbands… And the Ones Who Got Away!

“Pee” S (ha, ha) I love your blog. I only wish more people subscribed and linked to you so that you could get a book deal, too.

Rue “Blanche” McClanahan

She flaked. I thought long and hard about how to break this news to my readers. I even timed a woman with blue-rinsed hair at the matinee show (2:35!) but it just wasn’t the same. Instead of Rue, I was rewarded with two old men filing past concessions on a child safety restraint, you know, one of those wrist leashes that keeps toddlers from bounding into traffic. One old man entered the bathroom and shut the door on his old man friend, trapping him outside.

He was confused and tugging on the cord. Unbearably sad. As sad as seeing someone’s purple photo album–full of photos– on the live third rail of the West Fouth stop.

This is my new montage of New York City winter.

toddlerreins.jpg old.jpgphoto.jpg tracks.jpg

The background music is Ray Lamontagne’s “Till the Sun Turns Black.” This morning it looped in my head on the walk to work.

Spring, where are you?


10 responses to “Ruemorse

  1. so I won, right?

  2. actually, i think i won.

    my entry:

    1. no bathroom
    2. no concessions
    3. no tip

    yes, yes?

  3. John, I think you won. In my heart, I was predicting a no show but I wanted to play along.

  4. in my heart i wanted ‘little miss sunshine’ to win best picture. that movie was so good.

  5. I rue the day I ever entered this contest. what a sham!

  6. Hey people…calm down. I bet she’ll show up this weekend.
    I’m reevaluating the entries to declare a winner.

  7. Rebecca,

    As a friend of many a famous charactor actors i must say Rue probably had an emergency charity event to attend. Or perhaps was being inducted into some hall of fame or another. Perhaps for her many guest appearances on shows like remminton steel, or cagney and lacey. the point is I still love you. even if you couldn’t time rue peeing. if it makes you feel better i just went pee and it took 45 seconds total, granted i half-assed the hand wash. see you soon.

  8. i will now imagine your days filled with static as soundtrack and chopped images. ny looks beautiful. don’t begrudge the winter, it hasn’t even come here yet. i’m jealous of your snow. be glad you live in a world where there are snows.

  9. Ah, Mama’s Family. That takes me back. Most memorably, MF was once my alibi to my grandma to cover up that I’d actually been watching scrambled cable porn. Ah, scrambled cable porn.

  10. Pingback: Edwards « TryBecca

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