Talk Thirty To Me

My roommate Woody tutors Teyana, a singer/rapper signed to Pharell’s Star Trek label. He is her entire 10th grade education. This makes Woody cool. Not only does he now hold a deeper understanding of electron charge and the Constitution, but I bet he can do the Chicken Noodle Soup dance. Teyana’s really good at it. So is this kid:


Sometimes Woody and Teyana play Scrabble at a West Village coffee shop, or meet at the Museum of Natural History to discuss dioramas. Completely not fair. Once, he even taught her that a diamond grill cuts glass.

Teyana is super talented and super sweet. I know, because I went to her Super Sweet 16 MTV birthday bash at the New York Hall of Science. I met her in the bathroom and I didn’t even time her! Her party was 80s themed skateboard R&B, and featured interactive science exhibits where you could surf and throw a curve ball and wheelchair race. We were the only white people there. I really wanted to get on MTV, but despite my loud wheelchair racing, it didn’t happen. Teyana hired a highschool marching band and Disney dancers and made her grand entrance as a doll in a carriage. My boyfriend and I had just broken up (see Valentine’s Day post) so I drank too much in the VIP room, gorged myself on popcorn shrimp, and thought back to my own Sweet 16 almost half-a-life ago, when my mother surprised me with my four best friends, a Subway sandwich platter, and balloons. We couldn’t stop talking about the touring production of Cats we’d just seen. Wearing cat ears.

That was about the most middling Sweet 16 imaginable.

Our episode aired on Monday, and yeah, we didn’t get any screen time. I was blocked by a bodyguard for most of the taping anyway. But we did take some poor quality MySpace photos.

You can read a detailed account of the episode here.








I’m planning my own Super Sweet 30 in late May. Hopefully, I’ll be with my three best girlfriends, on a Carribbean beach, with a little pointy drink umbrella hitting my cheek each time I take a sip because I’m too lazy to sit up, and I’ll have downloaded “Jammin'” as my cell phone ring, and I’ll be hearing it alot because the lanky 21 year old islander club DJ won’t quit calling me, mon!

My beach vacation is only three months away. What haven’t I accomplished in my twenties? I’ve never eaten blowfish. Should I? If you have an adventurous suggestion, that involves minimal effort and money, please email me. I’ll be documenting these firsts in my blog.


16 responses to “Talk Thirty To Me

  1. juggle fire.

    on a jet ski.

  2. Skydive.

    without the parachute.


  3. Which part of minimal effort aren’t you guys getting? Also, personal safety is a factor. Let’s go back to the drawing board.

  4. Darn. I haven’t been to any celebrity teen MTV bashes. I did see Thurston Moore crossing the street on the LES, though. Look, I wrote it L-E-S. Oh yeah, and Wallace Shawn came to the CocoRosie show, eliciting this from me: “That’s Wallace Shawn!” I was pretty cool about it.

  5. You could also spend your 30th birthday at my villa on the Côte d’Azur. You could bring along your three girlfriends and we could play twister, like, 24/7……

    You know,one of these days I’m going to move to the south of france or possibly Italy……

  6. New York is a harsh desert. Does that make sense?

  7. as i am one of those 3 girlfriends you would bring along, i second alfred on having your 30th at his Côte d’Azur villa. that’s something I’D like to do before you turn 30. thanks….

    oh, and how about making out to ‘la mamma morta’ (on repeat) from the philadelphia sountrack. it might cost you a dollar on itunes, but i can tell you it’s pretty intense. even though she’s sining about how they killed her mother, and even though that shouldn’t be something erotic, there’s a lot of passion there, and because it’s in italian, and the meaning can’t be directly understood by someone who can’t translate that much italian (ie. you, me), it is, in turn, very hot. worth doing before or after turning 30.

  8. Did y’all know Chris Martin just turned 30? B – You seem much more youthful than him.

  9. You could build a ramp that slides you off of the roof of 10 Jay and into the River. In the river, I’ll already have set a huge inflatable Target pad. The closer to the center you get, the more points you get. Oh yeah.. and did I mention you won’t be wearing ANY protective gear? Sweet?

  10. I say start small, think of the little things you haven’t done. Perhaps a new hobby like beach towel collecting or taking pictures of interesting doors. but i don’t feel like thats on par with eating a blowfish. perhaps you should combine your current love of stalking and add a dash of danger. Find Judi Dench in a bathroom, time her, and when she come out to wash her hands (LOL) grope her and run.

  11. Good suggestions, Garth. I do hope Judy Dench comes to Gutenberg! and uses the bathroom, That posting will be titled: Judy Stench.

  12. You’re a gemini aren’t you? I turned 30 20 years ago. It was SWEET. But not as sweet as that first colonoscopy! Stuff to look forward to.

  13. As someone who did her turning thirty in late May last year, let me say this… doesn’t feel any different then twenty-nine. So only do the stuff you want to. Bungee-jump,sky-dive, climb Everest if you want to. No point doing it for the age reason. The other side of thirty is as much fun. And the fact that I turn thirty-one in a matter of days has nothing to do with me saying this.

  14. if they don’t let you have the red stapler, burn the place.


  16. Is teyana taylor really a lezbo?? But newayz ill do a trip to the islands if I wuz u n have a ball live it up u turnin 30…..


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