Elephants

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about elephants. It all started when my boss mentioned the Elephant Walk. At first I assumed this was just another urban dance, like Teyana’s Chicken Noodle Soup. Then I thought “No. It must be like Race for the Cure, only instead of cancer research all the money goes towards battling elephantitis!” Wrong again. Turns out he meant actual elephants. Filing through the Midtown Tunnel on their way to Madison Square Garden. Again, I am the last to know anything.

The Elephant Walk sounds a lot like the running of the bulls, only without the bulls or the chasing or the drunken tourists. Well, no, with the drunken tourists. Ringling Brothers can’t transport the elephants into the city any other way than by foot, so in the wee Manhattan hours, with minimal traffic, crazed sleepless carnies lead the animals through the streets to the circus. OK, I made the carnie part up.

Watch this:

Elephants move faster than you’d think, huh? With the shakey video, and the loud PETA protesters, I’m reminded of that scene in Superman II when the three Zone villains battle Superman in the low-budget streets of Metropolis and cabs and buses and citizens fly through the air.

I know elephants never forget and that makes them more likely to remember any mistreatment, but really, do we need to protest this walk? Let’s focus on Darfur first. I hooked up with a clown once and he hated his job but not a single sympathizer made a sign and shouted “No red nose!” when The Big Apple Circus came to town. Wait. The point of that story was not that I hooked up with a circus clown.

I had hoped there might be other Ringling transports, like the Camel Crawl or the Lion Line, but no such luck.

Right after my introduction to the Elephant Walk, I “herd” (ha ha) that Republican Ann Coulter referred to John Edwards as a faggot. This remark is lame on multiple levels. Level one: faggot is a hateful word. Level 2: John Edwards isn’t gay, and neither was Clinton when Coulter hinted at his homosexuality years earlier. Level 3: The comment was actually a reference to Grey’s Anatomy star Isiah Washington and his stint at rehab after calling his co-star T.R. Knight the f-word. (Where was his re-hab? In Chelsea?) I think references to Grey’s Anatomy in the political sphere are rarely a good idea and seldom credible. That just seems obvious.

The next Elephant Walk will feature weary Rupublicans. It will be led by Democrats, on the night of the 2008 election, when Bush departs office, and will end with dunking booths, trumpet fanfare, and a production of “Rent.”

Yesterday, two of my fellow employees–and friends– left the company. That was a sad walk. I initiated my first ever salary negotiation this morning and came out elephant strong in—where else?— DUMBO. Goodbye free dumplings. Hello cruise.

I couldn’t sleep last night and dreamt of, wouldn’t you know it: