Lately, I haven’t had much opportunity to write, let alone time celebrities in the bathroom. Plus, when Rue McClanahan missed the matinee, I took it personally.
But it’s time. Time to time. Time to get back on the horse or the bike or the bandwagon or the toilet or whatever else you can get back up on when you fall off of it.
Friday night, Steve Guttenberg will be at the theater. I can promise his attendance based on several key indicators.
Indicator 1: A few weeks ago, I heard the message he left on our office answering machine requesting we mail a poster of the show to LA.
Indicator 2: His last name is Guttenberg and the show is called Gutenberg. It’s scientificly proven than a person is less likely to miss a musical if the characters in the musical repeatedly sing that person’s name.
Think about it.
Last night, I went to the moving revival of “Company.” I’m a Sondheim freak and this was truly inspired. Fuck, I love me some musical theater. The cast doubles as the orchestra, with each performer playing his or her own instrument while singing. (I can’t even change I-Pod songs and keep my balance on the subway.) Anyway, “Company” is two hours of names belted in chest voice. The married couples open with a liturgical chorus of “Bobby baby, Bobby, Robert darling.” Imagine if you also went by Bobby. You’d feel very important.
Then there’s my dreamy-future-husband Raul Esparza’s “Someone’s Waiting.” Susan, Amy, Jenny…try substituting your own name.
See? Guttenberg will be at Gutenberg.
Indicator 3: Steve Guttenberg starred in both “Three Men and a Baby” and “Police Academy.” Everyone knows that fatherhood and the force demand responsibility, integrity, and honor.* These go hand in hand with showing up to claim the theater ticket you’ve already reserved.
*Please note: I have not seen either movie in years. Not only am I conflating actor with role, but I am wholy unfamilar with these roles to begin with.
So. You guys know the toilet drill. I don’t have to “flush out” the rules. Because I’m giving you such late notice, let’s take concessions out of the equation. Plus, I was missing money from my Concessions bank last week, so I might go back to ushering. I’ve been reffering to the show as Lootin’berg!
If you’d like to enter the Steve-Will-He-Relieve-Himself? contest, email me the following by Friday 7PM:
1)Will Steve Guttenberg use the bathroom?
2)From the moment he opens the door, how long will he stay in there?
3)New question: Will Steve Guttenberg use the bathroom more than once? If your answer is yes, please give exact times for each visit.
Contest prize to be announced on Monday. Good luck!