I’ve Got A Mineral Complex!

You know how some things seemed like a good idea at the time but weren’t? In 8th grade, the girls in my class used to hold their breath and tighten their arms across their stomachs until they passed out. This is just one example. There are others. Remember serfdom? Or DDT? How about Junior Jail?


Sitting at my desk this morning, it occured to me that I drink Emergen-C every day–sometimes twice– and that maybe, just maybe, this is dangerous.


Emergen-C is a deli impulse item. It’s the new Listerine Strips or Ginseng Root Sexual Enhancement–you grab it because it’s cheap and you think it’s helping something. We all drink it. We all pour that powder into water and shake it and watch it fizz, and when we take a sip, we’re all slightly disappointed that we didn’t just buy Gatorade. Ever get the stale, humidified Emergen-C? The clumpy kind that comes out like ant hills?

I’m concerned that the public doesn’t question the effects of Emergen-C. A quick look at “Supplement Facts”—a phrase I recall from our Scientology tour—reveals that one serving of Emergen-C gives you 417% of your daily Vitamin B12 intake. B12 maintains healthy red blood cells and is used to make DNA. I don’t think I need 417% more effort in DNA production. I feel like Robocop.

You also get a 1667% increase in Vitamin C. That’s a formidable increase. Imagine anything at base level. Your hand. Now, imagine 1667% more hand. Scary right? And if I’m getting that much more Vitamin C in Cranberry flavor, then why did I still catch a cold last week? Doctors say it’s safe to overly consume Vitamin C. I have my doubts. I took Accutane for six months in college and used to get nosebleeds in class like an alien abuctee. Each pill tab had a picture of a two-headed baby on it to dissuade you from having sex. Sounds like a totally harmless and mainstream acne medication. I used to hide the tabs in my dorm room like Easter Eggs to make my roommate laugh. Anyway, my skin cleared up, but flash forward seven years. I’m on the subway trying to read Poetry in Motion and what do I see alongside Adrienne Rich?


This woman’s depressed Accutane afflicted eyes imploring me to file a lawsuit.

Emergen-C also provides you with a 500% increase in Vitamin B6, some Alpha Lipoic (I almost rushed them in college), and the ever popular silica. All coming at you courtesy of a corperation in Foothill Ranch, California.

I hope I don’t get B-sick.


2 responses to “I’ve Got A Mineral Complex!

  1. My brother used to roll me up in the twenty million throw blankets we had in our living room like a little Ashley burrito, and then belt them shut and leave me. I think he called it babysitting.

    But yes, the Junior Jail is a great idea for all those sociopath toddlers and various reincarnations of Chucky. There’s a use for everything!

  2. The vitamin base level (RDA’s) are absurdly low for most vitamins, so don’t worry too much.

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