Chicago; or, Da Bears; or, Coyote Wild; or, Goodbye Columbus

I’m on a business trip in Chicago and Ohio. Tonight, in Columbus, I find myself with plenty of down time, a desk halogen lamp, and a leather swivel chair. But whenever I sit down to blog I have paroxysms of fear. Usually I blame this on my impending 30th birthday, but this week, credit goes to executive amenities. Apparently, complimentary ethernet access intimidates me. I’ve invented deadlines for newspapers that don’t exist, newspapers like Urban Animal, for columns that don’t exist, columns like Urban Out Critters.

This imaginary column, Urban Out Critters, is about wildlife venturing out into public places in an attempt to self-domesticate. Believe you me, there’s a lot to cover. On Tuesday, an escaped honey bear from a Mexico City zoo boarded a night bus (it’s a nocturnal creature.) The Mexican honey bear sat next to the driver for an hour. Sources report that the driver welcomed the company. I couldn’t help but wonder: did the honey bear have a destination? It didn’t show signs of aggression until a woman tried to hold it. This seems an apt, if somewhat impenetrable, metaphor for my romantic life.

That very same afternoon in Chicago, while I was getting massaged by Wyndym jacuzzi jets—I mean, while I was conducting an HR interview—a coyote strolled into a downtown Quiznos. It approached the counter, got discouraged by the long ordering line, and took up residence on a row of Diet Pepsis in the cooler. Perhaps Diet Pepsi most approximated its natural habitat.

My favorite part of the story is that of the four Quiznos customers in the store, only two walked out. The other two stayed behind to finish their sandwiches. That means 50% of Chicago Quiznos diners, when forced to choose between a disoriented predator and a sub, will pick the sub.


Note that New Yorkers did not opt to finish their Taco Bell before photographing the rats on 6th Avenue. Note that I miss home.


3 responses to “Chicago; or, Da Bears; or, Coyote Wild; or, Goodbye Columbus

  1. see? Now that makes me miss Chicago. I actually never thought I’d say that out loud bytheway. Come home soon!

  2. your imagination is just wild- I can see you as a small child like Amelie when she was a kid in the movie, with imaginary cartoon friends making records like crepes…

  3. Pingback: In San Francisco, dogs outnumber children, and wild coyotes live among us | Dogpatch Press

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