Dear John Mayer,
I don’t dislike you. There was even a time when “Why, Georgia” featured heavily on my mixes. But lately, I just can’t separate the song from the Simpson.
Did you have to date Jessica? Now I hear “Your Body Is a Wonderland” as a soundtrack to last week’s Australian Beach Getaway photo spread in US Weekly. When you sing “take all your big plans and break ’em,” I guess the big plans you’re referring to are her call-in show for the hair extensions she designed with Ken Paves and “Look Up to the Sky,” the personal journal she intends to publish.
I know she’s hot. But John, so are you, and you could find somebody equally hot who hasn’t named an album “Sweet Kisses” or grown accustomed to celebrating her wedding anniversaries as MTV seasons. And do you know what kind of marital advice she’s dispensing to a scorned Spice Girl? Stick to him like glue. Jessica might sing “These Boots are Made For Walking” but she doesn’t mean it.
(Also, please don’t write a song called “Stick to Me Like Glue” on Continuum 2.)
I’m sorry that her Dessert beauty line rubs off onto you and your lips taste like banana split and your arms smell like cotton candy and your neck reeks of pepermint swirl. John, I know it’s exciting, but you look an unmarketable pall next to her.
And you were so cute seven years ago when you posed for this photo with my good friends Heather and Megan, who are not orange:
I would have bought this John Mayer a Miller Light and chilli cheese fries. We would have picked the chicken off of nachos and I would have giggled and said “Um, wait, is this tuna? I can’t tell the difference!” and you would have said “Good one!” and given me a high five.
Stop waiting for the world to change–you have to change back first.
Still your friend,