Dear John Letter

Dear John Mayer,

I don’t dislike you. There was even a time when “Why, Georgia” featured heavily on my mixes. But lately, I just can’t separate the song from the Simpson.

Did you have to date Jessica? Now I hear “Your Body Is a Wonderland” as a soundtrack to last week’s Australian Beach Getaway photo spread in US Weekly. When you sing “take all your big plans and break ’em,” I guess the big plans you’re referring to are her call-in show for the hair extensions she designed with Ken Paves and “Look Up to the Sky,” the personal journal she intends to publish.

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I know she’s hot. But John, so are you, and you could find somebody equally hot who hasn’t named an album “Sweet Kisses” or grown accustomed to celebrating her wedding anniversaries as MTV seasons. And do you know what kind of marital advice she’s dispensing to a scorned Spice Girl? Stick to him like glue. Jessica might sing “These Boots are Made For Walking” but she doesn’t mean it.

(Also, please don’t write a song called “Stick to Me Like Glue” on Continuum 2.)

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I’m sorry that her Dessert beauty line rubs off onto you and your lips taste like banana split and your arms smell like cotton candy and your neck reeks of pepermint swirl. John, I know it’s exciting, but you look an unmarketable pall next to her.

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And you were so cute seven years ago when you posed for this photo with my good friends Heather and Megan, who are not orange:

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I would have bought this John Mayer a Miller Light and chilli cheese fries. We would have picked the chicken off of nachos and I would have giggled and said “Um, wait, is this tuna? I can’t tell the difference!” and you would have said “Good one!” and given me a high five.

Stop waiting for the world to change–you have to change back first.

Still your friend,

Becca

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15 responses to “Dear John Letter

  1. this is, i suppose arguably, the most poignant entry you have made to date, becca, and i applaud you. i’ve decided that this man (i refuse to acknowlege that he has a name at this point, since he’s merely a toy) must be the most superficial man on the earth. this woman must be KILLING his career, considering the fact that no sane person who was ever a fan of his could possibly approve of her and her fake bakin’, louis vutton carrying, not knowing anything that has to do with ANYTHING knowing, self-quoted ‘stinky ass’, but he still is with her, frolicking on BEACHES for pete’s sake!!!!! their future is slotted somewhere to replace i love new york on VH1, you mark my words. and he’s in. gross. he’s not invincible. nor is he waiting for the world to change. he’s two steps away from being a gumba johnny from the jersey shore… i mean talk about someone who ‘did it all for the nookie.’ she used to be the most repulsive person ever. but now she takes a backseat to the idiot who’s willing to be with her…

  2. sorry – that comment required a lot of words – i’m very passionate about the subject as you can see – i mean i really should be president of the ‘i hate jessica simpson’ fan club, i’m just that annoyed by her, since she is SO undeserving of anything she has, and sickeningly so even DOUBLY SO unappreciative.

  3. Approve of her or not, he still sells out venues in record times. Isn’t that what his career’s become? Selling out venues and packing seats is what the label cares about, and he’ll do it forever. I’ve seen him in concert many times on the Boston Bar circuit, back when he was pushing his independent release.. and I’ve also seen him on major stages more times than I can count. If his fans are really letting somebody like his girlfriend ruin their view of him, then they’re not really his fans. He’s gotta be one of the best songwriters/musicians of our generation, hands down. If people see past that and go right to his social situation, then the world’s changed without them.

    As far as Jessica goes.. she’s the perfect example of how the *Industry* is playing our society with “Sex”.. and it sells.. and it’s unfortunate. But I will give her this… She’s a heck of a smart woman to realize that her “stupidness” puts butts in the seats of her shows, sells her albums, and beckons viewers to whatever TV Show she’s on. Props to Jessica on how badly she’s played us all!

    I’m on the Anti-Jessica train with ya, Cami!

  4. i respect your opinion, j soul, but i will argue this point: everyone gives her credit for playing up her ‘stupid’ side, like she knew how marketable/lovable that vulnerability would make her (a.k.a. dumb blondes are endearing?), but she made the ‘is this TUNA chicken or fish?’ comment on the FIRST EPISODE of her newlyweds show. and it was a legitimate question… that was not for the cameras. it was something she was asking her husband because she honestly didn’t know if her tuna was fish. i think her marketing execs told her to roll with her stupidity, because they saw that it did work. and lucky for her, it was the easiest thing she could do, given that she is a total twit. she’s just acted like she plays it up – while really, she’s just being herself. my two cents…

  5. Exactly! You and I are two of the minimum of people who haven’t fallen for her scheme. Unfortunately, her blunder on camera was so incredible, that it hooked hundreds of thousands of new fans, who on one side love to see her fail, but on the other side would go see her in concert or buy her albums just to see/hear how bad she can be.

    But everybody’s human. Everyone has the basic human right of choice. Jessica could’ve told her “execs” that she didn’t want to become somebody that she’s not, and could’ve gone down a different path. But, she made her choice, and my props to her is for sticking with the act. She’s stuck it to the american and some of the world audiences. She’s “Dumb”, Blonde, American, and every naive boy’s/middle-aged man’s fantasy, and she’s gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

    Who watched MTV anymore? It’s almost as brain-numbing as American Idol 😉

  6. I can’t wait to submit this exchange to the 2007 Simpson/Mayer Conference.

  7. John Mayer always reminds me of my First college boyfriend, who also happens to be the first (and only) republican I’ve ever dated.

    So after a little Republican heartbreak, the romance is gone and the only John Mayer music that still moves me is the Radiohead cover he does…

  8. This blog made my day, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us Rebecca.

    -Alfred xo

  9. and what a *Killer* Radiohead cover he does!

  10. i like the song ‘gravity’ and ‘i’m gonna find another you’ but the rest, to quote a friend of mine, is “limp dick frat music.”

    oh, and one time, i was in the elevator at work with joe simpson. he is like a dementor. i felt oh so cold.

  11. thanks for including a pic of my formerly short-haired self- fun to remember those days. 🙂

  12. Oh the thought of them doing of a duet together would probably make me sick as megan was the night that picture was taken. poor megs. not bad photography if i do say so myself. 🙂

  13. John & Jessica Haiku

    Don’cha wonder who
    holds whose hair back when these 2
    hungover drunks puke?

  14. snap! that was mean! :o(

  15. give it up, he could give a crap less about what u people think.

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