Carpenter, Panderer

I wish I could time a freakin’ celebrity on a freakin’ toilet but famous people aren’t seeing Gutenberg anymore. Even dead celebrities like Karen Carpenter can’t be bothered with showing up to will call. I mean, come on. Your ticket’s already been purchased. It’s just sitting there.


On second thought, I think Karen Carpenter died in a bathroom. That might make my blog in bad taste.

John Ritter purchased a ticket the week before but never claimed his, either. I’m starting to wonder if the Gutenberg box office (Joseph) is playing a joke on me. If an envelope appears with the name River Phoenix on it then I’ll know for sure.

So, as mentioned in my previous post, I’m looking to dole out advice.

This email isn’t signed so we’ll refer to its author as “Stuck in My Own Life.”

Dear Panderer,

I’m working in a job that i once loved. LOVED. I respected my boss and coworkers and really looked forward to work everyday. Now things have changed. Now i dread work and have no respect for my boss. What should i do? I really want to leave and get a new job but i don’t have a college education. Also i can’t afford to make less money than i am now and i have yet to find an entry level position that would pay what i am currently making.

I feel like I’m stuck in my own life.

Dear Stuck In My Own Life/Maybe My Friends M&J,

You don’t need a college education to get a better paying job. You just need a doctored resume. As a Director of Human Resources who takes her professional lead from Toby on The Office, I’ll let you in on a secret: most of us are too busy blogging or fun-mirroring our faces on I-Photo to do any background checking. If you say you went to Stanford, you went to Stanford. Also, hygene always trumps higher education. I don’t care how many times Laude or Cum appear on your CV or that you are proficient in Norse. If you have possum breath or too much Axe effect I will not hire you. Added tip: getting away with lying on paper is even easier if you are applying to work for organizations rooted in light and hope. I suggest environmental non-profits or Catholic charities.

What did you love about your boss and what changed? Did you stop sleeping together? You did capitalize LOVED. Maybe you should send this .

You didn’t tell me what you do but from your email it’s pretty obvious you work in a jammery.

Good luck,

I think that went really well.

Need advice? Have an issue for me to glibly tackle? Write me at!


One response to “Carpenter, Panderer

  1. Uh, so who wrote all my issues into their letter. Cause I don’t have a diploma. Or a clue.

    Can you get an HR job somewhere else and then hire me? Preferably a music company? I hear they love mirror faced bloggers.

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