Color Wheel of Fortune

Yesterday morning, Boss showed up to work with his Bob the Builder tool box and his CFO hat. The CFO hat is an orange baseball cap. He named it CFO hat. To wear at his CFO Station, more commonly referred to as “desk.”

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This could only mean one thing. No, this could mean a lot of things, but he began by changing our door lock. Boss sent me and Ashley to the hardware store to get keys made. You don’t have to ask us twice to run errands, especially when they involve minimal effort and a Starbucks around the corner.

At the hardware store I discovered the Benjamin Moore Color rack. At age 29, I’ve never painted a bedroom or touched up a table or stenciled my kitchen in an art deco border. I’m not the HGTV target audience. If I could cook with paint, or if US Weekly had a special section entitled “They Paint Just like Us!,” then I might be interested. (Did you know that Dr Quinn Medicine Woman is a painter?)

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There are moments that make you reckon milestones. I’m female and almost 30—shouldn’t I have refurbished an antique chair by now? Why do I have nothing to paint? There were hundreds of colors, all named. Named. I want that job. The Benjamin Moore color namer probably never has to run Boss Errands. She’s too busy coming up with these in the paint think-tank:

barrel brown
soft chinchilla
leap of faith
peace and happiness
sweatshirt gray
woodmont cream
dream whip

These last two sound like Tasti-Delight flavors. And Precious Moments colors like Leap of Faith are awfully subjective. For example, if your best friend phones you up to ask how The Project is going (that’s how home improvement types refer to their improvements) and you say “Great! We’re painting the study Peace and Happiness!” you’ll both stall. It’s like Who’s on First.

Friend: “Hey? How’s The Project?”
You: “Great! We’re painting the study Peace and Happiness!”
Friend: “Cool. Thanks for the well wishes. What color’s the study?”
You: “Peace and Happiness.”
Friend: “Yeah, cool. I’m doing OK. What color did you say?”
You: “Peace and Happiness!!”
Friend: “Do I sound that depressed?”

Wait a minute… paint namers might be poets. Because if I called up a poet friend, and he said he was “redoing his bedroom in Cupid’s Dart,” I’d get it. I just would. I wouldn’t need to see the wall—just the writing on the swath. I’d know he was in love and having lots of sex.

Oh God. I would paint my entire apartment Da Vinci’s Canvas or Soft Chinchilla because it sounds right.

I took about 30 Benjamin Moore color strips with me. Tonight at dinner, I did a Paint Reading for my friend Russ. A Paint Reading is like a Tarot reading but with swaths instead of cards. I fanned them out and Russ picked #2133, which said Sidewalk Gray.

We were actually eating at Sidewalk Cafe on Avenue A.

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3 responses to “Color Wheel of Fortune

  1. Can we fix it? Yes we can!

  2. We appear to be travelling through life in some parralel existence. My wife would stencil me if I stood still long enough. She sews, decorates, quilts, stencils, creates as if life depends on it. She buys every conceivable magazine by Martha Stewart and her kind. Is she happy? Too many choices, if it was down to me the only choice would be white or cream!
    David Ross
    England

  3. I be testin this

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