Tuna in to The Bachelor Season Finale Tonight

Even outside of the office, I’m the recipient of passive-agressive notes. I found this on my bike the one night I chained it, ever-so-non-obstructively, to my neighbor’s gate:

bikenote.jpg
It seems counter intuitive to issue a warning on stationary with hearts and flowers.

A week or so ago, on NPR, I heard mention of Peter the Dolphin. In 1965, for a period of two and a half months, a Dr. Margaret Howe devoted herself to teaching a dolphin to speak. Here is Peter saying her name:

http://deoxy.org/audio/peter.wav

Not to knock her data, but it sounds to me like Peter could be saying any lady researcher’s name: “Kath-er-ine! Deb-or-ah!”

She kept extensive notes. Here is a journal entry from Week Two:

First Peter and I got on a more sociable, physical level. Peter began to be gentle with me, and allow me to go to him without the broom. He did not nip at me as he used to . . . rather he was making a thorough study of my feet, legs, ankles, knees. Doing this he is very gentle . . . the rough part being when he tries to push me around. He gets between my legs and pushes me apart. When he starts to nip . . . I make a big fuss . . . shout at him and retreat. But we are getting much friendlier . . . and I feel more comfortable with him.

peter.jpg

This sounds…well, to be honest, a lot like The Bachelor. Cooped up for about the same amount of time, consumed with woo, courted by a man who is busy “making a thorough study.” Initially guarded. Finding the two of you “getting much friendlier…”

Allow me to step into the blogging light and admit that I love this show. Is he an Officer? Is he a Gentleman? Surprise–he’s both! And much like the 10 weeks Margaret spent in isolation with Peter attempting to get him to say her high-pitched name, Bevin and Tessa have put in the televised time and research in hopes that Andy will utter her name at the final rose ceremony.

Here is video of dolphin researcher #1, Bevin:

(Seriously. Who makes these montages?)

And here is video of dolphin researcher #2, Tessa:

OK. Bottom line. I don’t think Lieutenant Andy Baldwin is all that great. He’s a humanitarian, and a diver, and a doctor, and certainly a girl’s go-to if she needs a tour of the USS Arizona Memorial, but he’s also predisposed to frat boy platitudes. I feel like I had this exact conversation several times in college while drunk at a kegger (insert red plastic solo cups and Dave Matthews) and that Andy Baldwin is trying to convince me to go all the way:

Nice dog tags. And close-ups on the wine glass.

Call me cynical, but Andy walks a fine line between sincerity and smarm.

He’s a dolphin, playful and sleek in the water, getting along swimmingly with the ladies. But what I want to know is: Why is it so important to teach a dolphin to say your name, anyway?

(I hope he picks Bevin.)

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4 responses to “Tuna in to The Bachelor Season Finale Tonight

  1. jesus, that was a nice read. i would have punched him in the face however.

  2. I’ve never watched the show but after your blog and those video clip I’ve decide he is a scumbucket. (and I hope he picks bevin, too.)

  3. I’m not gay, but I’ll take Peter, the real dolphin. At least you can understand what he’s trying to say. Not to be snippy or anything, Becca, but you should be looking for better places to lock up your bike instead of watching “reality” TV.

    Shows like The Bachelor only make me cry. It’s like really bad emo-porn. Sniff sniff. Waaaah waaaah.

    Why do you hope he picks Bevin?

  4. Don’t you guys think he really does mean that? Most of the guys in the past shows were suckered into picking girls that only excited them for the short term. Andy really likes someone that he wants to make sure can reciprocate. He only wanted to make sure he wasn’t continuing to waste his time if Tessa turned out not to like him. Take it for what it is as strange as it is. I feel like they have a legitimate chance.

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