I-oh-wha?

I live in Iowa. This isn’t exactly rolling off my tongue, but neither is it stuck in the back of my throat. It’s doing something in-between. Crawling over my cuspids.

Dan and I packed the car so full we couldn’t see out the back window. I rode shot-gun for eighteen hours with a Betta fish between my legs (I bubble wrapped his tank) and a hookah on my shoulder. While I-80 proved to be a stretch of no surprises, shifting in my seat brought something new every time: a boot to the head, a flurry of unsecured postcards. I was more caged than a protester in a democratic free speech zone, and I complained just as much. A 38″ by 50″ framed map of the world didn’t make the trip. Because its sharp corners were precariously positioned directly behind Dan’s head, I left it outside the post office on Myrtle Avenue. The one consolation in giving it up, aside from resting assured that Australia wouldn’t decapitate my boyfriend in a fender bender, was the opportunity to say around a tired hour 8 or so, “I gave up my world for you.”

No no, in all honesty, driving was fun. Much tomfoolery was had. I gambled with scratch and win cards bought from a vending machine, played Big Buck Hunter in a truck stop in Ohio, and phoned the toll-free McDonalds hotline to suggest more tempeh options. Don’t bother with the latter. A recorded female voice prompts you to press 3 if you are calling to “share a new idea you have for McDonalds,” but when I eagerly followed instructions, the same recorded female voice informed me that it is too difficult to sort new ideas from concepts already at play within the company’s internal infrastructure. Now I have no way of proposing a range of feeling meals other than “Happy” or my adorable transfat marauder, the Soybandit.

We stayed at a smelly Econo Lodge, where the bedspread looked like the winning dress on last night’s Project Runway:

and we listened to a ton of NPR. (“Obama played the race card” really does start to sound like “Obama played with racecars.”)

And now I’m in Iowa, proud new owner of a droopy basil plant and a red FTD vase I found on someone’s lawn.

Today, my red vase led me to blogging. I’m back to posting every day.

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One response to “I-oh-wha?

  1. i’m-so-happy-4-u. i’m already missing NYC though and I never lived there. all the best wishes from VA to IA!

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