Tag Archives: karaoke

Karaoke Kills

Dan and I have been adopted by a snaggle-toothed black and white cat. She sauntered into our house one afternoon while we were unpacking and proceeded to use our living room sofa as a scratching post. She’s obese and declawed, both of which suggest an owner — but there’s no collar, and she drops by at odd hours. I named her Karaoke based on my belief that calling a cat should be fun. And it is fun. I open the screen door and shout “Karaoke!” Karaoke!” into the dark of night, in hopes that some drunk hippie might appear on our porch all fired up to sing Country Joe and The Fish.

Cute, right? Makes you want to cuddle with her in a papasan chair, maybe have her knead your lap while you sip on Sleepytime and read Lilian Jackson Braun — until you realize this is a picture Dan took of Karaoke killing a baby bunny. The salad on her chin is for show. There’s blood-lust in those almond eyes.

For two nights in a row, Karaoke has brought us dinner. Tuesday’s bunny almost made it into the house. Dan and I were watching The X-files , so you can imagine just how much higher I jumped with that theme song in the background. Also, I think Karaoke is part of a large government conspiracy.

Dan documented Kitty’s First Picnic on camera.

Here she is, looking like she just scored the winning touchdown. (There’s a game joke in there somewhere.)

Dan created a Picasa album simply titled: “Karaoke Hunts a Bunny.” It lets our friends and family see how busy we are in Iowa. Think of it as The Velveteen Rabbit in reverse.

I didn’t know how to stop the slaughter, so I ran into the kitchen and came back with a can of tuna. In retrospect, it wasn’t the brightest idea to use Chicken of the Sea as a diversionary tactic, but what can I say. I panicked.

Now she expects surf and turf.

There are a few shots of me, barefoot and pigeon-toed, in my gaudy vacation dress, holding a dustpan, trying to figure out what exactly one does with a dying bunny.

(One should leave it alone?)

It’s supposedly a sign of great affection for your cat to bring you its prey. I did a lot of online reading . Spayed females in particular see a meal “to-go” as an opportunity to school you in the ways of the hunt. It’s half carnivorous instinct, half maternal. You’re an owner but you’re also a kitten. I guess I can relate to that. I like to bake banana bread for Dan and serve it on kid sized plates. And Dan did just buy the child’s tool kit, in the shape of a truck, from Ace Hardware. After he assembled my bookshelf, he packed up his tools and went “Vroom, vroom.” (Man, that one’s gonna cost me.)

6 Degrees and Fakin’ Bacon

Yesterday morning, on my way to work, I slipped on some frozen vomit outside of Kellogg’s diner. Then when I got to work, instead of checking my email, I crouched by the space heater, said “Fuck” a lot, and watched Ashley unthaw her bangs.

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK it’s cold in New York City. There are two things I know I can never be: one of them is an investment banker, and the other is a sherpa. When the temperature really drops I find myself making bitch lists. I write them on the train, in shaky print, in the backs of books or on receipts, usually wearing gloves.

Pull up a burn barrel and bitch with me!

I HATE….

-waiting for the L train

-waiting for the L train with my back to the sign that reads “No L Train Service”

-waiting for the L train, seeing it, getting excited, realizing it’s just the trash train

-the hot couple on Lost who appeared out of nowhere this season and went with Hurley to the Pearl Station to find a computer to locate Jack–where did they come from?

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-reaching into my purse for gum, pulling out a packet of empty foil holes

-comedians on the street who flyer and get in your face and say “Hey! Free comedy show tonight!”

-nail clipping

-snoring

-ordering a small latte at Starbucks and hearing the barista shout tall latte to humiliate me because everyone knows Starbucks has no small

-fakin’ bacon

-Anne Geddes. What she does to children is wrong.

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-the contruction worker on Flatbush Avenue who cat-calls me on my bike by saying “Hey pink lady, where’s your metro card?”

-slipping on frozen vomit

-MySpace friend requests from bands

-Sting crossing over to adult contemporary, and his subsequent lute project, “Songs from the Labyrinth.”

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-not having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day

-having to say dumb things like McFlurry if I want a McFlurry or Teens and Tweens when I’m booking print ads

-Le Petite Puppy on Christopher Street, where puppies cost $1000

-accidentily writing “I’m busty” in an IM instead of “I’m busy

-no more ballads at karaoke after 10PM

-being told that “Alone” is a ballad–no way, not with that chorus

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-my boss referring to sales calls as Style 1, 2, and 3

-my ex-boyfriends getting married (Joe, Dan, David D)

-paper jam in Tray 1

-sorority girl charm bracelets that jingle when they push their hair back behind their ears

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-not having money but working two jobs

-not having money but still drinking

-my parents calling me (I am 29) at job #1 because they received a notice that I never paid my NYC Parks and Recreations Bike Ticket

-not having enough money to pay a bike ticket

-getting a bike ticket when I could have easily biked away

-Jewel’s book of poetry

-mistyping “Gmail” and ending up at “Gamil” where Gamil is not Gmail but we’re glad you’re here!

-men who like me when I like someone else

-pilly sweaters

-George Bush

-being too old to audition for American Idol

-being too old to date Harry Potter, who is currently in the West End starring as a stable boy with an erotic fixation for horses:

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-EVOL as an abbreviation for Extra Virgin Olive Oil

-Rachel Ray. She is the most annoying person ever. More annoying than Jewel even.
[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1frxGTHR5W4]